A Place called my Mind

more of what is on my mind

2009-10-22T08:27:00.001-07:00

So i am now in grad school but i don't feel like i have grown at all..i am still in the mental state of the more i know the less i understand......i am still in the position of not understanding the world in it's injustice for the poor. i am sitting in this class with everyone talking about right based approaches with case studies and more on the faces of NGO. so personally i don't think that the NGO's are benefiting the developing countries, they are missing the bigger picture of actually helping them develop rather disabling a whole generation of people in the long run.....by mouth feeding people in the name of eradicating poverty to me seems like a short term goal. what happens tomorrow when people cannot stop donating?

i remember listening to this guy called war child...first his name was really intriguing. a gentleman from Sudan who was a child soldier who got saved by a white lady to whom he is grateful for now since his life turned out differently than what we thought it would be. he was talking about the importance of education. As i was listening to him i realized that, wow...this dude is making a great point. he is talking against dropping food from the sky and actually educating people to get this food on their own.....

i agree with this idea but with one condition....to make sure that the education that is provided should make sure to empower the people of who they are rather than who they want them to became in what they think they should become.....As africans we should be stronger on what we believe and stop depending on the "western world' to fix our problems. yes we are not in the same position as they are but we have an advantage, we have the best geographic area plus the man power that have been used by our oppressors for years

that's all i have for now

A new Beginning

2009-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

where can i keep all this thoughts that run through my mind, all the pain that i carry daily, all the love that i wish i could share with the love, where can i speak with words that capture millions of hearts, with the voice that can be heard by everyone, with the sound of peace and hope, where can i see a place with no fights, arguments or even disagreement. where can i hear, nothing but rain drops hitting the ground peacefully, birds singing and the sound of the wind by the ocean.

it's the thoughts that keep me alive, the vision that keep my streghth, and the voice of my loved ones pushing me everyday. i want to be that voice not only for myself but for all who will give me the chance to let me show them what i am capable of doing. my imagination is bigger than the eyes can see.

i want to be free, free of my own jailing thoughts, free of my insecurities that hold me back, free from me~

Random thoughts......really really random ones

2008-12-09T01:57:00.000-08:00

when does one know what is right and when a right action should be taken.
realizing what life really brings is thing i need to understand, i take every little situation and action as a life lesson that i am suppose to learn something from it. But, have i really learned or is it just another life experience that is going to be an action that happened with no memory.

After i wrote this down and I read it, I realized, WTF am i talking about.....i am delusional? Or is it just extremely late and I just have random thoughts of what has happened in my life lately that I kinda sleep walked thru, and I am replaying the remaining undamaged footage in my nightly thoughts. isn't weird that we seem to remember things that have been forgotten when it is time to sleep....or is it just me and I have way too much time in hand to even tap back to these memories. Some of them are just so ridiculous, like the time i went to subway and the lady was so mean to me but i never responded...and i wish i said something like..."WTF are you being mean for, dont be mad at me coz your uniform requires a hairnet....." but i didn't say it i just looked at her and smiled.... that after I am done thinking about this awkward moment, i start thinking about why in the hell would i waste my time thinking about such thoughts. And hours later after i have wasted alot of time thinking of thoughts that i was thinking, i hear a voice in my head telling me to sleep, and i answer to the voice...."i am not going to sleep, you are not the boss of me..." and the voice says, " you are right i am just a voice...., why the fuck would you listen to me....i am you dummy..." and i sigh and think....how am i pathetic i am the villain and the hero in my thought so which side should i stick with.....?

I am so lucky to be unfortunate

2008-09-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

Another year has past, lots of events has happened. i am a year older, i grey hair wiser and most of all i live in the greatest country in the world....so i am told. i have gained a lot during the past year, and my greatest accomplishment was that i graduated from university (yap!!!!!!!!!!)i broke up with person and found another, traveled a little, witnessed a great show (Michael Franti)..... you see i have a lot to be grateful about. i am grateful that i was given an "equal opportunity" by the state of Washington to earn a BA in international studies and not be able to find a job, even a security job is hesitant about my qualifications.

I was told for as long as i can remember to be good, listen and go to school. once this is done, a bright future would be set. i guess they forgot the part where they were suppose to prep me with what i can do with my degree, they also forgot to tell me that i have to know a person in order to get somewhere....they also forgot to tell me that just because my name sound "Islamic" that it is an automatic rejection.it might have slipped their mind to inform me about connections of who knows who..... so i keep asking myself, why did i go thru all of this "equal Opportunity" bullshit, was i really that naive? or was it a set up to fail? or maybe it was a test to see how low i can go?

this great country has a way to make you feel important. first, they give the right to vote, do they really give you that right? then they say that they can fight for your right when things go wrong? i am gonna trust the same people who murdered Sadaam for personal games? they continue but telling you that you are better that thousands around the world who don't have food....and my answer at least they have their freedom, they don't depend on GM foods to feed them, no welfare to keep you stranded in same system, no media to keep you from knowing what is really going on around, no fake smiles for those who hate you the most....so i am sorry i was suppose to thank you....for giving me the life that i have always dreamed about.

most people would look at me as if i ungrateful...i am not in fact i am the opposite, i am lucky....lucky enough to fall in to the 60% of those who graduate and don't get a job. Lucky enough to be the 64% of those who don't have health insurance. Lucky enough to be part of the 20% of those who are discriminated against. what what do i have to complain about? nothing but to say how lucky i am to be unfortunate.

An Article that changed my Life in a weird way! Its called "How to Write About Africa"

2007-10-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

some tips: sunsets and starvation are good
Always use the word 'Africa' or 'Darkness' or 'Safari' in your title. Subtitles may include the words 'Zanzibar', 'Masai', 'Zulu', 'Zambezi', 'Congo', 'Nile', 'Big', 'Sky', 'Shadow', 'Drum', 'Sun' or 'Bygone'. Also useful are words such as 'Guerrillas', 'Timeless', 'Primordial' and 'Tribal'. Note that 'People' means Africans who are not black, while 'The People' means black Africans.

Never have a picture of a well-adjusted African on the cover of your book, or in it, unless that African has won the Nobel Prize. An AK-47, prominent ribs, naked breasts: use these. If you must include an African, make sure you get one in Masai or Zulu or Dogon dress.

In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don't get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book. The continent is full of deserts, jungles, highlands, savannahs and many other things, but your reader doesn't care about all that, so keep your descriptions romantic and evocative and unparticular.

Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep in their souls, and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice and beef and wheat; monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice, along with goat, snake, worms and grubs and all manner of game meat. Make sure you show that you are able to eat such food without flinching, and describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.

Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love between Africans (unless a death is involved), references to African writers or intellectuals, mention of school-going children who are not suffering from yaws or Ebola fever or female genital mutilation.

Throughout the book, adopt a sotto voice, in conspiracy with the reader, and a sad I-expected-so-much tone. Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can't live without her. Africa is the only continent you can love—take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated. Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.

Your African characters may include naked warriors, loyal servants, diviners and seers, ancient wise men living in hermitic splendour. Or corrupt politicians, inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes you have slept with. The Loyal Servant always behaves like a seven-year-old and needs a firm hand; he is scared of snakes, good with children, and always involving you in his complex domestic dramas. The Ancient Wise Man always comes from a noble tribe (not the money-grubbing tribes like the Gikuyu, the Igbo or the Shona). He has rheumy eyes and is close to the Earth. The Modern African is a fat man who steals and works in the visa office, refusing to give work permits to qualified Westerners who really care about Africa. He is an enemy of development, always using his government job to make it difficult for pragmatic and good-hearted expats to set up NGOs or Legal Conservation Areas. Or he is an Oxford-educated intellectual turned serial-killing politician in a Savile Row suit. He is a cannibal who likes Cristal champagne, and his mother is a rich witch-doctor who really runs the country.

Among your characters you must always include The Starving African, who wanders the refugee camp nearly naked, and waits for the benevolence of the West. Her children have flies on their eyelids and pot bellies, and her breasts are flat and empty. She must look utterly helpless. She can have no past, no history; such diversions ruin the dramatic moment. Moans are good. She must never say anything about herself in the dialogue except to speak of her (unspeakable) suffering. Also be sure to include a warm and motherly woman who has a rolling laugh and who is concerned for your well-being. Just call her Mama. Her children are all delinquent. These characters should buzz around your main hero, making him look good. Your hero can teach them, bathe them, feed them; he carries lots of babies and has seen Death. Your hero is you (if reportage), or a beautiful, tragic international celebrity/aristocrat who now cares for animals (if fiction).

Bad Western characters may include children of Tory cabinet ministers, Afrikaners, employees of the World Bank. When talking about exploitation by foreigners mention the Chinese and Indian traders. Blame the West for Africa's situation. But do not be too specific.

Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African characters laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do in mundane circumstances. Have them illuminate something about Europe or America in Africa. African characters should be colourful, exotic, larger than life—but empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause.

Describe, in detail, naked breasts (young, old, conservative, recently raped, big, small) or mutilated genitals, or enhanced genitals. Or any kind of genitals. And dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any work you submit in which people look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the 'real Africa', and you want that on your dust jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help them to get aid from the West. The biggest taboo in writing about Africa is to describe or show dead or suffering white people.

Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly) and have names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values: see how lions teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are good feminists or dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative about an elephant or a gorilla. Elephants may attack people's property, destroy their crops, and even kill them. Always take the side of the elephant. Big cats have public-school accents. Hyenas are fair game and have vaguely Middle Eastern accents. Any short Africans who live in the jungle or desert may be portrayed with good humour (unless they are in conflict with an elephant or chimpanzee or gorilla, in which case they are pure evil).

After celebrity activists and aid workers, conservationists are Africa's most important people. Do not offend them. You need them to invite you to their 30,000-acre game ranch or 'conservation area', and this is the only way you will get to interview the celebrity activist. Often a book cover with a heroic-looking conservationist on it works magic for sales. Anybody white, tanned and wearing khaki who once had a pet antelope or a farm is a conservationist, one who is preserving Africa's rich heritage. When interviewing him or her, do not ask how much funding they have; do not ask how much money they make off their game. Never ask how much they pay their employees.

Readers will be put off if you don't mention the light in Africa. And sunsets, the African sunset is a must. It is always big and red. There is always a big sky. Wide empty spaces and game are critical—Africa is the Land of Wide Empty Spaces. When writing about the plight of flora and fauna, make sure you mention that Africa is overpopulated. When your main character is in a desert or jungle living with indigenous peoples (anybody short) it is okay to mention that Africa has been severely depopulated by Aids and War (use caps).

You'll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries, evil nouveau riche Africans and prostitutes and guerrillas and expats hang out.

Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows or renaissances. Because you care.

How to write about Africa
By
Binyavanga Wainaina

my favorite writers work........one of my only favorites

2007-07-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

This one here i call it LOVE but she calls it Sentimental Thoughts
by Unheardphilosopher.....

Oh’boy! I yet have lots to surprise me. I used to hear history has its way to rewrite itself but come on! Does it have to happen to me? I once mentioned about the type of relationship I have with love. You see, love and I are very close. I care about love, think of love, and I even think with love. Basically I am occupied with love. Love and I shared so much I remember so many wonderful tender moments as vividly and as fresh as if the memories were made just yesterday. The thoughts of love and I bounces in my head; like the sound of love’s voice, the musical lyrics in his words, whispering my name in my ears, the tingling sensations from love’s warm breath as love is blowing playfully a discrete blows in my neck.

I remember love’s gentle fingers imaginatively soothing my temple, love’s arms wrapped around me as we listened to the pounding sounds of the rain. I remember us stealing kisses whenever there is no one looking but still keeping together. I could never forget love’s phone calls to me just to say hello. Let me tell you how thoughtful love was, when we first met, love’s thoughts were for us and never love’s only. Love worked for our happiness. This is why I could never forget the laughter in love’s voice, the beating of love’s heart. I have enjoyed love’s company and never felt the time even though we spent hours and hours together. I just wanted love to say I love you to me and then just be with me but no…love is just sentimental thoughts that I created within my thoughts. It is just an elusion that I intensify its manifestation so secretively Well…it is just something that lives inside my heart, I want to own it but it doesn’t seem to cooperate with me, in fact it plays joke on me. All of the loves just keep playing games with me. Now, loves learn ways to bring back history and what passed by. What is up with that? Am I supposed to relive the past, F no! I want to move on with love, move away from love, or move in with love. Whatever it is I just don’t need love to give me love that doesn’t last. Okay!!!!!(With the swiveling hand followed by snapping of the middle and thump, add the rolling eyes as well)

what's going on?

2007-07-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

My Birth day that's what's up!

umm....a lot has happen since i last really told you guyz what's up? so lately all i have been doing is thinking about what the future holds for me. I know that i wanna do something important and influential.But does that mean that i have to stop what i know to get there? people say that to get to that high place, one must give up something in return. I don't know about giving up something in return, all i know is that if i get to that place, i don't want to forget where i came from. it is important for one to remember where they came from because it makes one's future valuable, because the past was the foundation of your upbringing and it has shaped and supported your values in life...

what made me think about all of this is that one, my birthday is coming up. i am happy that i complicated another year, but i was disappointed of my present situation. The reason why is because i haven't accomplished a lot and i feel like time isn't on my side at all. But after hearing sweet words from my other half, she gave me a reason to look forward to my b-day by telling me to see it in a different perspective. Like, am a year wiser, that i have to see what i have made for myself and what has improved about me.

so i look forward to my birthday August 6th and i will enjoy it with all that i got...so u'll wish me a happy b-day and send me all the love u can....

Peace

The TYPE!

2007-07-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

I like them caramel, tall, build, educated, career
Secured, family oriented, and spiritually guided. I
Like them funny, humorous, strikingly sarcastic,
Amazingly kind a bit twists of rudeness. I like them
Well spoken and carefree. I like them adventurous and
Risk takers. I like them charming, outgoing,
Thoughtful and easy to get along with but hard to keep
Up with. I like them challenging, analytic, and
Justice critic. I like them hopelessly romantic and
Astonishingly passionate. I like them to be silly at
Times and never affright to let his guard down. I like
them naughty and flirtatious. I like them artistic,
Diplomatic, and able to excel any political debate..
On top of all...I wouldn't mind him to be financially
Grounded.

There I said them......what is your type?

updates of my misfortunes

2007-07-12T21:22:00.001-07:00

so lately i have been feeling down because of my current situation on life....first and foremost, school is screwing me over with its limitations of grades and perfomance, which am doing poorly on. and then comes life and it's regular struggles why does it hurt so much to be alive? it s a question that i has constantly crossed my mind in the passed 72 hours.

So lemme update you of what is going on in my life of late. I have no direction of what i want for my future. i have been at the university of washington for 4 years now but accomplished nothing. i think that i started going to that school in the begining for all the wrong reason which were; First, earn hecka money after graduation, two make my family proud basicially just doing what they want me to do not me doing things for me. three, i am just part of statistics, another black person who got accepted. so for how long will I be part of this stats? or will it end like the way am destined?

The Source of the Nile

2007-07-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

So did the White people really Discover the source of the Nile in Uganda?

3 months ago was the first time i visited the Source of the Nile. I have heard of this extra-ordinary place that is been in history for centuries. this place is so special because it is the beginning of what Moses parted and Pharaoh and his people drowned in... it is the place that is historic to all the major religious groups that is followed by millions around the world.

The source of the Nile is located in Jinja Uganda, it amazing when u see this place. As you arrive, all u see is tall tress every where and you can also hear the sound of the water. The air is different it is cleaner, the wind seems to be blowing softly on your face and it seems like the sun gets mercy on you because it isn't as hot. Then you arrive at the gate that has a big sign that says "Fees for Visiting the Source of the Nile, Non-Ugandan Citizens $25 dollars/40,000 Shillings. For Ugandan Citizen $ 5 dollars/8,000 shillings." but since we had a person with us who is a Ugandan citizen we didn't pay as foreigners.....and i was glad that we didn't have to pay like foreigner because i didn't want feel like a foreigner in Africa, but on the other hand i felt bad because the money that they collected was used to pay the people who took care of that place.

The closer we got to the water, the louder it got. after a couple of stair cases, we were there...and it was beautiful absolutely amazing. it was kinda weird for me that i was that close to the source of the Nile. One minor factor that i forgot to mention was that the Lake Victoria and the Nile were right next to each other, the Nile was fresh water and Lake Victoria was salty water. The guy who was with us told us that the only separation was a lined up rocks that people could walk on. And the Amazing part was that i could see the Nile coming from the under ground, kinda like it was coming from the Lake but not...and even though the two water bodies were touching they weren't mixing. I found this very fascinating and it just blew me away. so i just stood there staring at this beautiful scenery.

After a couple of minutes, this guy asked us to pay him money so that he can go to take strong water and watch him raft with nothing but a empty can of used oil...first i laughed at him, and then i was like OK....if u wanna risk your life for some go for it....it seemed dangerous so i told him that i will give him the money anyway and that he shouldn't do it.....but he insisted so i sad down i watched ( i know u guys think that i forced him...i really didn't) he kept explaining to me that that was his job and that he can't just take my money without showing me his skill....In my head i was dang! u r crazier than the white people...but he insisted so i went and took a sit and watched him.

After 5 minutes of torture on my side, the guy was fine so we took pictures with him and i was ready to leave. that's when we went to the souvenir part of the source of the Nile. That's when i met a lady named Helen, she was the lady who sells beautiful African art. as i walked in her little store, she welcomed us and said..."i love it when my fellow Africans come here to witness the beauty of this place" so i looked at her and smiled as i reached for this sculpture of 4 old men sitting together, and she said "those men, are the ones who took the first white men to the Source of the Nile and explained to them how it works and where the borders of the two water bodies met" and i was shocked at that moment because i never read about no 4 wise men. And she continued, "and the Stupid white men thought that they discovered it, how can u discover something that people have been living with for years?" i was speechless.... so all i did was laugh and thank the lady for educating me.........

Are we part of the Eco-Tourist plan?

2007-07-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I was watching a documentary about the Equator. It was a British guy who is going around the world crossing the equator. So he starts his journey in Gabon Wes Africa. i don't know a lot about this place but as i watch this documentary it looks familiar like i have there before. The only thing that is different and shows me reality that i wasn't there is because they speak French. Gabon is going thru a lot, first of all the country is so poor that they are not able to grow there own foods, second they are running outta resources, and third the president seems to be making random decisions that is harming the people and their history.

So as I watched this guy trying to be sarcastic about how excited the people in the train were about crossing the Equator, i started thinking, why do this people go to Africa with there big cameras and shoot all this images of people and how they are living? is it because there are animals in Africa and we got be treated the same way (Like animals) ? the other thing that didn't make sense to me as i watched this documentary was that the president of Gabon, how dare he kick the villagers from there own place because of his plan of expansion national park in order to increase the number of tourists coming to Gabon. He also made it illegal for the villagers to hunt and gather their foods as they were doing for as long as they can remember. And instead of giving them a substitute like land so that they can grow there own food and domestic animals so that they don't have to hunt, he just leaves them hanging with nothing.

And as Africans who are creative and carry music to there hearts, they village chief decides to make the villagers dance and entertain every tourist that comes..........this is when i got upset and decided to write on my blog. The way they watched them dance with the paints on there faces, the traditional clothes that are made from animal skin and there instruments that were all hand made from animal remains........
Their pictures were taken as if they were animals and i bet most of the people with the big expensive cameras are going to make post cards out of the pictures they took.....SAD!
i wish i could go to Europe and take pictures of the white people and put it in a post card and see how many people buy this pictures and as they show it to their co-workers and friends say "oh..how cute"...as a matter of fact i want to go to Europe with my big fancy video camera and make a documentary of how the white people live in there natural habitat.....

Africa my Africa

2007-06-27T21:58:00.001-07:00

Africa my Africa.....
Africa my proud warriors in the side of the savanna
Africa my grand mother since of,
Besides her distance rivers,
I have never seen you
but my sweat is full of your blood,
the blood of your slave,
the slave of your children,
Africa tell me Africa,
are you the back that bends?
ridden down under the power of humbleness?

Why I wanna be a good writer!

2007-06-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

it seems like lately everything i touch is cursed, everything i attempt to do is a given failer. of late, all i can see at the end of the tunnel isn't a bright ray from the sun, but the color of a gloomy gray sky. the beauty of the rain doesn't facsinate me anymore rather it makes me question why the rain appears to make everyone think about how depressing or lonely they lifes is. The rain seems to trigger a memory or an emotion that is hidden as u watch the rain drops on your window pane, it reminds you of what u used to do when u were little or when something happened to you.....

I was suppose to write about y i wanna be a good writer, but it seems like i have all the wrong reason's so my mind did what it does best....go to random thoughts. Everyday i log in my blog page, but instead of me writing things about my day or my feelings, i entertain myself with reading yasmin's blog and OH! (sorry girl, i don't know your name) as i read what they say and how they say it...i end feeling like there's nothing more to be said after that. even though there work is from personal experience....it is just so good to me that i end up not feeling secure with my ability to write...

And yes i am told that everyone's writing is different! maybe it is but...to my understanding my writing isn't my strongest link so i will try in the next couple of days to find what i am good at, so incase it doesn't work i will come back and share my little ability in writting.....

What Do You Say, Just What Do Say?

2007-06-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

What do you say to your uncle who has high cholesterol but isn’t obese and isn’t allowed to eat food that he grew up eating and is the only thing that he knows. Can you imagine coming to a country that has nothing in common with what you know plus he is always sick he hasn’t seen the beauty of the new life he has acquired. What do you say when he continues talking about how he can’t eat sugar because he is diabetic, he can’t walk because of his arthritis, he can’t be outside in the heat or the cold because of his psoriasis, he can’t have more than two patients in his room because of his mysterious bacteria infection, that is making him lonely in either a hospital room or a nursing home.

What do you say when your friend tells you that the only way that she feels like she’s worth it is if she offers her body because it is her best quality, and it is the only way to show appreciation to the only guy who has been nice to her. How do you answer to the sound of her cries because of her difficulties in finding her creator. What do you say when she continues feeling the pain of the history of her people and what they have become today? She works hard to find answers but she is disappointed by everybody around her. Nobody appreciates her efforts or even acknowledges that they exist. So what do you say in order for her to understand that one day it will be worth it but how do I know? So all I do is look her in the eyes and say that ‘Allah has tests for every human being, and it is your duty on how you’ll react to it” does this make sense to her. All her life she taught herself that in order for God to test you, he is telling you why he is testing you…..so what do I say after that….is there really anything to say after that? So I switch the topic and instead I say “Allah has his intentions with you” but is it right for me to reflect my belief on her. But it Is the only belief that keeps me going

What do you say or do when your other half wakes up in the middle of the nite with a continuing pain in her chest. And you know that you’re far and can’t just walk in her room. What is there to be said….”everything will be okay…”i wanna just hold and say some more that everything will be fine. I said when I didn’t know what else to say. Form the sound of my voice I knew she could tell that I was scared.

What do say when your mom asks about your school and when you should get a job? When she asks about you aren’t you working as hard as all the other girls my age? Or when she asks you about you don’t have families like the rest of my age mates back home….my answer “INSHAALLAH”…But would I really?

All in all I feel like my life is a constant ride and most of the questions am asked I don’t have an Idea of how to answer them but to live in a circle that I was born in….so choices of what I want to be come is impossible…I think

What Makes Me, Me?

2007-06-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

What defines me? Is it what I wear, what I look like, what I do, who I know or what I know? This questions have been playing in my head for a while now and I couldn't come up with an answer....after listening to hours of inspirational songs, I thought to myself maybe music defines me. It makes me feel like I can change the world when I am listening to Bob Marley, it makes me feel like a fighter who wants to change my country when I am listening to K'naan, it makes me feel like a Warrior when I am listening to Peter Tosh, it also makes me feel like I need love When I am listening to Joe, it makes me feel like a revolutionist when I am listening to Mos Def. So is it really defining me or is it imposing its ways on me. Music is my company when I am alone, my friend when I am depressed, my companion when I wanna talk, my space when I wanna think......

I am a muslim, and this shouldn't be the way it is...but it is and there is little I can do to reduce it because that will make me lonely...I think!

The More I know the Less I Understand!

2007-06-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

I was driving from school after a hard day of lectures about how poor Africa is.....and I was thinking to myself, if I didn't know that information, then I wouldn't care. And the thoughts kept going deeper and deeper and as India Arie's song kept playing and one line that she said blew my mind..... "The more in know the less I understand" this was so true. I feel stupid and helpless every time new information hit me. And after knowing this information I don't have the power to do anything about it but just talk about it. I don’t know and I don’t think that I will ever know. It sucks to know that a lot of people in this world are dying because of preventable things like poverty, famine, violence and most of all humans’ stupidity.

inner thought

2007-06-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

what is my purpose for this life? this is a question that i constantly ask myself. i am at a point of my life that nothing matters, not my school, not my family and not anything that i believe in. i feel like no matter how hard i work the same results come up. what am i here for? besides the Islamic reasons that i was given i really am having trouble figuring that out. It is funny what one encounters that would drive them to question their Existence. why would we have to this question if the script was flipped

ON THE BUS CONTEMPLATING

2007-05-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

As I am riding the bus home at 10:30pm on Memorial Day, I just realized that I have been in the library for 7 hours and what did I accomplish?
Maybe just a little of nothing!
I finished writing a one page paper and watched TV online for the rest of the time I was there. I needed a break; from all the realities that have been going on in my life with Television....it always makes everything go away.
Then it hit me. How did I end up here on the bus.
I went from owning my own car to riding the bus in a short period of time.
I don't know how happened but I think that it all happened for a good reason.
Allah has ways of show me what is important. I believe that everything that is happening to me for a reason, and that maybe I should learn something from all of this.....
I like the bus. I feel comfortable here and most of all I get Werda time, to reflect on what has become me.
It seems like I haven't been paying attention to what is around me and i didn't realize how lucky and unfortunate i am....but can I see that I am lucky enough to have all that i have or did i just stumbled to all that has became my life of lately.
As I look on my side, I realize that shit life is hard, life is a choice and sometimes life is a surprise to the outcome of one’s actions.
But do we really have to suffer the way that we do because of our actions.
I remember a time of my life when all we had to eat was a meal a day but I was happy because I didn’t know better.
But now that I know that one can have more than one meal a day, I feel like I need more in my life too…
Things that don’t even make sense for me to have I got, but what do I still say… “Life is hard” is it really? or i am just lucky to be unfortunate?

confusion

2007-05-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

What made you become the person that you are? You made me who I became, you opened my eyes to the possibilities of life and love. You made me doubt about what I want to become not to say that it is a good thing. As I sit in this class, with no focus on how Economic 200 is going to change my life now and in the future and all I can think about is when I am going to talk to you again. I know it sounds silly but you inspire my every move. It is never ending to the opportunities you have shown me. It is amazing because in the beginning you didn't occur to me as a person of interest, and I can't say now that you are since you told me that I am a person of interest. It is enviable how u inspires me and get to my thoughts, how u electrify my passion for what I loved but suppressed it because it wasn't a choice between life and death. I think that lately I have become what I always wanted to be but I also don't see the importance to it in my future. if you are not going to make to be a part of changing my future and its happen then there isn't any point of me daydreaming about the possibilities I should just go ahead and live in this reality because this is as good as it is going to get.

2007-05-19T18:36:00.000-07:00